Welcoming my 29th year

 

 

28 was a painful and challenging year for me. Although I fought hard to stay in Portland and continue in my program, I had to admit to defeat after being diagnosed last September with bipolar disorder. After attending a memorial for my mom's coworker a few weeks ago and with my birthday approaching this year, I felt an all too familiar sense of anxiety returning. And I must say a little anger. The phrases that get so worn out annoyed me and felt empty. Everything happens for a reason. Gone too soon. One that does hold value for me though is this - life is fragile so we must live it with intention.


For my birthday this year, I went to see Hanson at the Fremont County Club - AND I won a meet and greet!! I had been sick all week so when Taylor went to shake my hand I gave him an elbow bump instead. Anyway before each show, Hanson has a thing called The Walk where they walk a mile barefoot and for each person that joins them they donate a dollar to support causes in Africa. You can read about it here - http://www.takethewalk.net/ Yes, they walk with you and yes I walked with Hanson!! :) Never would I have thought 15 years ago that I'd be walking downtown in Vegas with Hanson and I'd be so focused on my burning feet that I wouldn't even really be paying attention to them even as Isaac is talking to someone right behind me. It was an epic experience and it was quite a reflective and emotional day for me.


To touch again on my diagnosis for those of you who don't know, I have been hospitalized because of it twice. One of the manifestations for me is severe lack of sleep. The first was in 2010 but was only 'diagnosed' as being anxiety related because there was so much going on at the time. I didn't sleep for a week starting out because my aunt had passed away and I had sinusitis along with a laundry list of the 'perfect storm' as the doctors put it. But within my experience of it, it got so bad that I was afraid to fall asleep because I was either going to forget who I was or die. At one point, I came across an old box of pictures. It was one of the most intense euphoric moments of my life. In that box was my life, my memories, who I was. I fell in love all over again with my life and in that moment briefly felt that everything was going to be ok. I just had to ride whatever it was out.


I bring this up only because my pictures are my prized possessions that mean more to me than any other material or monetary value. So after a weekend of reflection and the amazingness that was the Hanson concert I made a birthday photo collage for myself that I want to share with whoever wants to see. Maybe you'll see yourself in it.

It's been a crazy beautiful ride up until now.  Thank you for being a part of it.  Here's to 29!

The Man Cave

My dad is a hot wheels collector. To the point where he can not pass a Wal-Mart, Target, Toys-R-Us, or anywhere else that sells hot wheels without going through every car to see if he has it. Thus a man cave in the basement is needed.










And this is what happens when you don't give your parents grand kids to spoil :

Finally in Tacoma

I made it safe and sound to Tacoma. There's not much that could have made the past week any better. My last night in town was spent with people I adore - and a random picture crasher, top right corner - who is that guy anyway?!





I had a chance to spend time with Dominic, Jen, and all the kids and Maria and Phil as well.

I did leave Las Vegas later than planned, I wanted to leave at noon and I ended up leaving by 3pm. My brother Michael didn't make it over with his wife until about 12:30. Hanging out with him and mom went awhile. I loaded up my truck with absolute necessities. Michael was able to pack my bed, shelf, and my bike onto his truck. He just just graduated from AIT in the army and is stationed in Fort Lewis right near my dad. Once I got on the road, I was anxious because the tarp I had on the my truck was blowing up high enough so that I couldn't see out my back window. I stopped at home depot and strapped the middle down and bought some patio pavers to weigh the sides down. That along with the bungee web worked beautifully.

The drive to San Diego was the worst part of the trip. There were way too many sloppy drivers. I got into San Diego about 11pm. Then had to find Marlow. He found a good deal on a round trip ticket to San Diego about two months and it turned out to be the weekend I decide to leave :) We stayed with my cousin Natalie in Vista. The next day we hung out at the beach boogie boarding all day for the most part. Than made it back to Natalie's where Natalie made us Ugly - this bisquick cheeseburger concoction. I was also introduced (listening to them not actually meeting them...) and fell in love with the Avett Brothers.



The next day we made it back to San Diego to go to Plum Crazy -an Eagles bar- to watch the football game. INTENSE watching with a bar full of fans yelling at every move. THANK GOD they won!!! :)



After we went to the market to wait for Natalie and Darlene to meet up with us. My original intention on going to San Diego was to meet up with Deep -a good friend I know through my cousins who is from India- to take a meditation class and get another singing bowl. That didn't work out at all, but I at least had a chance to see him at the market.

We ate at an overpriced mexican restaurant where they didn't have nachos like Natalie wanted. They brought out the wrong food and Darlene ended biting into something crunchy midway through her veggie taco. After Marlow and I got in more beach time. He tossed around a football and then we buried each other in the sand. :) One of my favorite things to do at the beach. I like to feel gritty!




Darlene happened to be in Coronado officiating a wedding on Saturday. She had flown in from Nevada City where she lives. She hadn't bought a plane ticket home to San Diego so on Monday she ended up driving up with me to Sacremento. In Fresno (I think) we ate at a raw food vegan diner that Darlene found. It was much better than I thought it would be. I'm not sure I could go vegan myself, but it was quite tasty and did leave my tummy happy the rest of the drive. The drive was gorgeous and quite an aromatic experience. Trees, wild sweet onion, the flowers, and occasional manure - but even that had a sweet smell to it. Those happy cows in Cali :) A funny moment was when I was politely telling Deej that she needed to pullover asap, not because I had to pee. She does colonics and thought it was hilarious that I couldn't just say I needed to take a crap! :) I don't see Darlene and Natalie as often as I would like and definitely enjoyed the time I had with them. We crashed with her friends in Sacremento. The next morning I woke at 7am to drive the last 13 hours straight through on my own.



Four hours into the drive I got the itch to be out of my car but thought nope - not yet! I can do another fifty miles. A speeding ticket later I realized getting out of the car to stretch is a better idea! Again the drive was absolutely beautiful. I LOVE traveling, I could easily spend all day in an airport. Traveling sparks creative ideas and adds to the ones I already have going. Thirteen hours of it is the longest I've had to myself and my thoughts. I'm still over stimulated and super excited to be where I'm at right now. Radaid was my zen music and every once in a while I listened to the Judds. I stopped at rest stops to pee. I was surprised to see homeless hanging out with their signs. One of em was one of the happiest homeless people I've ever seen. Usually they look a little more down trodden maybe to get more sympathy but this guy could have easily played Santa Claus in Miracle on 34th Street. The next stop had a minister and his family begging me to let him wash my wind shield. I finally got into Portland about 8:30 and stopped at my friend Colette's house to take a break from the road and eat. Her mom was here to help her get situated. She made some AMAZING veggies n' dumplings. I even have some leftovers for today :)Rowynn, you know how I am with my leftovers. We talked about ghosts and how we could make it work out to be roomies.

One thing I don't like so far is the hills around the area. Steep scary hills to the point where I have my truck in drive and take my foot off the break and my truck is rolling backwards! I definitely feel like a fish out of water having to relearn my north south east and west again. I no longer have the strip and mountains surrounding me as a point of reference. And now theres southeast and southwest of the river and bridges to familiarize myself with.

After I left Colette's house is when I had my moment of finally being here. I realized my birthday is a week away. My thoughts went to where this past year has taken me, thoughts of Norina, and leaving Las Vegas. I shed a single tear. The last two hours driving were the most emotional for me.

I'm an army brat who was born in Colorado, grew up mainly in Tennessee from 4th grade to 9th grade. I never felt like I could call Las Vegas home. It was a place of nothing but family drama and bad memories. I hated it when I first moved there and found any reason I could to add to that hate. The last five years - especially the last year - my life has come around full circle in so many aspects. I realized it even more so being with Marlow and my cousin Darlene in San Diego and looking back at who I was and where I was at with myself the last time I was in San Diego with both of them back in 2006. Las Vegas is my home. Of course it's a place of transience, flakiness, shallowness and there's a lack of culture, community, education and whatever else you wanna throw into that bucket of mess. But as much as Las Vegas is lacking in, there is much to be found. For those of you who disagree - I ask you this. What do you personally do to contribute or show support towards the lack that you see? Neighborhoods do exist where the neighbors are on the phone with each other at 10:30 at night wondering why there's a lady in a yellow rain jacket knocking on every one's door. (Turns out she went to her boyfriend's family house for Thanksgiving, got drunk, went out to smoke a cigarette and forgot which house she came out of.) There are churches and schools of people that rally to show support when needed. Brownies are made for firefighters that help out a mother worried about her child. There are people who are born and raised who do have a little pride in where they come from. There are amazing artists and musicians. I left Las Vegas with some of my favs - Gia Ray, Gina Quaranto of Blackbird Studios, Marshall Bradford, and King Ruck's on my shoulder! Tammi Squires and everyone else that goes through Blackbird Studios. Hot Club of Las Vegas, Rebecca at the E-String, I can go on. There are plenty of intelligent and creative people who I hope to see become successful in their pursuits. The Onyx Theater, Little Theater, Theater 7, PCP, Group Collectively, Happy Hour.......Don't Tell Mama.....Thor at the Bus Stop. And there are amazing people that can be counted on to be there when you need em. And people working at building community awareness through whatever they have to offer.

When I put together the recital for my aunt last Mayish, I was surprised with how willing complete strangers - and yes in LAS VEGAS - were to help me. Vit's Pizza, Roberto's and New York Pizza all saved their tomato cans so I could make my drums. I couldn't even keep up with the 15 cans a day they were saving me.

Point being - people tend to forget how young Las Vegas is before they start criticizing and comparing it to other well cultured cities. It is there to be found, but it also has to grow and be nurtured for what little there is to be found. I do have hope that Las Vegas will get a little bit more credit thrown it's way. Even the education system is taking a turn hopefully for the better. So I may be away but Las Vegas I will be back! I have a tattoo to finish, a dance recital to attend, and people to see. And of course that last traffic ticket to take care of....

Radaid - Enjoy

I haven't had the pleasure of seeing them perform live yet, but I hear they are amazing. Radaid is a tribal band from Guatemala. The lead singer is blind. She goes to the stage first and the whole band of instruments will set up around her. I haven't been able to find any translations yet. Will post if I find any. Not knowing the translation makes the vocals more instrumental which I absolutely LOVE!

This is where I am at in packing. I have an hour before work. I'm taking a break from packing to revamp my blog. Anyone who has known me long enough knows about my blogging since my myspace days. They have always reeked of introspection and self discovery especially within the past 3ish years. I have also been an avid journal writer since fourth grade. All of that came to a halt for me back in October. I still can't grasp that it hasn't even been a full year yet!

Anyway, I decided it's time to get back at it. I decided to leave what already exists. It's like that memory box you have of the "stuff" you keep because you can't just throw it away. It won't be as self seeking as before. I simpy want to continue to share myself with everyone I love and care about that I will be leaving within the week. A week from today I will be on the road to Portland. :) :) :) It's about DAMN time! (wink wink, ya know who I'm talking to)

I am amazed and blessed with everything and everyone I will be leaving in Las Vegas. It surprised me randomly when I became sentimental at getting my file from my eye doctor, Dr. Edward Malik, who I have seen now for ten years! Amazing by the way, if you are ever in need of an eye doctor. Nine months ago, I would never have thought that I would find myself with the tremendous amount of support and encouragement that I have now. I was broken and a shadow of myself to say the least. But I am here.

To my core group of people, PCP (Rowynn, Eric, Mikey, Joe, and Trencher, Tawney and Courtney of course included) it has been said to me and I say it in return - you became a part of my life, and I couldn't have found you on my own. You will always have my support in every aspect that can be said. Thursday nights won't be the same. You will be missed!

I have just as much love for every old and new friendship, frayed friendship, and rekindled relationship. I have been tremendously blessed in my life and am thankful for every person that has come into my life regardless of outcome.

I end this sharing a new favorite band of mine. I have many guilty pleasures that I don't keep secret at all and my music collection is all over the place. I still listen to Hanson, The Judds, and I am a fan of Lady Gaga. I also have a fiddle rendition of Orange Blossom Special/Bonanza/Meet the Flinstones/Portita in E/ and Nutcracker Suite in that order by Mark O'Connor. This song will drive 95% of people you know absolutely crazy BUT if you ever have a party of dwindlers that aren't getting the hint that its time to go, its a good room clearing song! I'm starting to babble now -SO, Gogol Bordello. Enjoy :)

A Lotus of Countless Petals

Oh where to go with this one? You're always given what you're needed especially when you ask for it. The universe has a funny way of delivering sometimes. Tonight was amazing. I rode the bull at Stoney's, I even spun on it :) Let's just say this has been one of those weeks for me which are pivotal and transitional into who I become with each passing day. I graduate next week! My mama talked me into walking, and I couldn't be more excited. :) What's funny to me is that so much fell together and made sense for me in this last semester. It was the best I've had at CSN. It's bittersweet but it's time to move on. I'll save the inner growth tangent that I feel is evident for those who don't even know me that have pointed it out for me, because it will become a series of coconut shell <-----(because there's no fitting it into a nutshell) stories that are better told over a cold beer and hot wings :) I absolutely love where I'm at right now.

And for whoever might be reading, I'm introducing to you if you don't already know my new favorite writer. Kahlil Gibran. My favorite comes from the Prophet...

"And a man said, speak to us of Self-Knowledge.
And he answered, saying:
Your heart knows in silence the secrets of the days and of the nights.
But your ears thirst for the sound of your heart's knowledge.
You would know in words that which you have always known in thought.
You would touch with your fingers the naked body of your dreams.

And it is well you should.
The hidden well-spring of your soul must needs rise and run murmuring to the sea;
And the treasure of your infinite depths would be revealed to your eyes.
But let there be no scales to weigh your unknown treause;
And seek not the depths of your knowledge with staff or sounding line.
For self is a sea boundless and measureless.

Say not, "I have found the truth," but rather, "I have found a truth."
Say not, I have found the path of the soul." Say rather, "I have met the soul walking upon my path."
For the soul walks upon all paths.
The soul walks not upon a line, neither does it grow like a reed.
The soul unfolds itself, like a lotus of countless petals."



Let each petal mean something, but don't focus on any one petal no matter how beautiful or how painful. Each petal adds to the flower. There's some thought for ya! Take it as you will.

An echoing back through the tunnel.....

This one is inspired by Andy's last blog As the tunnel echos.....

Why did I start a blog? Initially it was because I went to delete myspace one day and realized that the one thing I would miss would be my blogs. I didn't get to my email confirmation soon enough though, so I still have myspace. ;)

Why have a blog? Venting drama, updating friends and family on a growing family, as a portfolio for creativity? My reason for having this blog is that I value perspective on life. Perspective and attitude toward life - what makes it worth living and how do you explain it? -that is what I value. So this blog is simply my answer. A perspective that continually changes with each day that passes. A perspective that I allow to grow and change throughout my life. That's the beauty in life. That it's not the same day to day. That it is quite a challenge at times. That sometimes you question every aspect of your being and why you are who you are. I encourage everyone to have their own perspective and their own reason.

My decisions in life are a reflection of changing perspectives. I stand by every decision I make with conviction and I feel no need to defend myself to anyone. Those that matter to me, I don't have to explain myself to and those that don't matter will only use my words against me. Maybe the words I write now will be turned around on me but I simply don't give a fuck. I accept it for what it is because it's something I have no control over.

Perspective.....Is mine spoken in vain? When I tell it how it is for me and someone understands, it becomes preaching to a choir who already know the song to sing. When I tell it how it how it is for me and someone sees the color red in what I see as blue, then they simply don't listen. So why bother?......Because it is mine alone. My perspective and my life to live because of it. Intention and how it's expressed makes all the difference.

"If i never have anything, I'll never have to lose anything. Then again, if i never have anything worth losing i guess I've lost everything." Love it.

Back to attitude, being able to appreciate and accept life for all that it is and doing what you can to change what you can - is the only attitude I choose to influence my life. Life is hard enough on it's own without adding unnecessary drama. Complaining is sometimes needed but, there's a difference between venting and ALWAYS seeing the glass as half empty.

I live a life of my own creating and I absolutely love it even through all the rough patches.