Mornin'

I find myself in a whirlwind of thoughts to sort through. Trying to catch up from last minute trips I went on. Helping with final details for my best friends wedding, catching up with people I havn't seen in years, waiting around at a hospital in Germany, seeing family I havn't seen since I was five, and trying to be a comfort to my mom when we were both dissappointed with how the Germany trip fell through, in which we have been planning for years. It might help to sort through right here. I've always been one to overthink the depths of my thoughts. Putting them out for someone to maybe find some sort of insight or simply relate in some way seems to validate my consistent insights into my own reality. Through sharing you find a shared experience of those around you- the craziness of an often mysterious, but undeniable however you choose to explain it - LIFE!

I realized the other day how my life is one of stable instability. There are the consistent factors - the people who I choose to surround me, another day given, even those random days where I'm driven by my insecurities, but there's so much more that's unknown and always changing. Even within myself and who comes in and out of my life. I'm much more accepting and acknowledging of the instabilities found in my own life. There's always something around the corner to be encountered- dissapointments, happiness, new perspectives. I welcome that change or the possibility of change to question how I choose to live my life. Through that you find growth. There are those who would rather live a life of unstable stability. Where they hold onto and fight to keep their lives completely stable with no changes, no threats at all to their reality. Through that stability they make their life meaningful. They allow no change in perspectives or even habits - good or bad. When their life becomes a consistent pattern of misery out of those habits, they will never allow those habits to change because they don't even realize that their misery comes out of their own perfected flawed habits. They will place the blame for their misery on the instablility of everyone and everything else around them instead of embracing the instability found within and seeing that the product of misery comes out of their own habits. Of course there are those who do live fullfilled lives embracing stability. But if anything, I simply embrace the instability within my own. It's my challenge to overcome.

I spent many hours waiting around at the hospital in Germany. When I first saw my uncle laying in bed, hooked up to breathing machines, feeding tubes, heart monitors, catheters and such - he was unable to move or even speak. He had a tracheotomy. He could barely lift his hand to wave at us. It scared the hell out of me. I've always had that fear of old age and the illnesses that come about within old age. Even down stairs waiting around for my aunt was heartbreaking. All of these elderly people moping about, sitting around, looking miserable - really doing nothing but waiting around to die. But then I noticed something miraculous, at least for my own perspective. There were those that still walked around joking and smiling with people as they passed by on their walkers and canes. Then I noticed the people walking around who worked there or who were visiting, and I saw the same mix of attitudes. There were those who wore expressions of desperate misery and those who wore expressions of relaxed enjoyment. That's when I realized all life consists of is attitude and perspective. Whatever that attitude is throughout life will continue to the end. So those who wait around for life to happen for them, will be disappointed and will have nothing to do in old age but then wait around to die. Thus, old age is no longer a fear of mine.